Every day of my life I fight against a consuming darkness that festers in my mind; an almost debilitating self hate that strangles me into submission. When I was a child I had a mantra; “You’re ugly, you’re stupid and nobody likes you.” I’d say this to myself over and over again so that I wouldn’t make a fool of myself and smile at school, or actually believe someone if they called me pretty. Growing older made me braver. College and good friends gave me a thin layer of hope that acts as a shield against me, protecting me from me. But the enemy is inside. I cannot kill her, merely contain her. My kryptonite; harsh judgment, any sort of attack on my intelligence or looks from anyone cripples me. I know I’m not brilliant and I’ll never be anything more than moderately attractive in the right light on a good day with my makeup and hair just so…But I hate myself so damn much, that when others say such things, things I’ve thought of myself all my life it cuts so deep. Their words leave me without hope, without armor against my enemy. The world is dark and I’m a worthless thing. My faults are countless and I’m so sorry for every one of them.
Monday, May 13, 2013
A cool cat on facebook shared this with me when I told him I didn't much like myself. It's given me something to think about. Maybe it will give you something to think about too.
The Man In The Glass
Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed you most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend
You may fool the whole world down the pathways of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I wrote the following blog while in college studying psychopathology; the study of how drugs effect the human brain. When I was a teen going through a really bad situation, I was unhappy. I was taken to a clinic where they diagnosed me as Bipolar, OCD & ADD after a 10 min conversation. They put me on Zoloft, later discovered to cause birth defects. I took it and it kept me up all night, I gained 10 pounds in two weeks and started cutting myself...Was I happier? No, no I was not. What I really needed was a someone to talk to and a good old fashion distraction from my teenager drama, but what I got were drugs. Not cool.
Life sucks, doesn't it? Bills, insurances, politics, war, natural disasters, starvation, disease, religion, crime, unemployment…the misery seems never ending…So what’s the answer? Dope…
OK, so I ranted my big sheeple and deleted it, and now I’m going to give it another go…hopefully I’ll be a little less ranty this time.
This is why you should NOT take antidepressants (maybe unless you've been taking them for a long time…) or believe a doctor when she says, “you suffer from depression.”
Doctor’s motives: Depression is a multimillion dollar industries, entire corporations have been built with the single goal to dope you up, make you a life time user. Doctor’s make no money if you’re sane, only if you’re defunktified in the head…Have you ever met a poor shrink?
Chemical Imbalance as a theory: There is literally no way for a doctor to measure the amount of chemicals in your brain, so how can they throw around the term so lightly? Therapy isn't a clear cut fill in the blank type job, even though counselors would have you believe it to be. If you show A. B. and C. signs you have depression. That’s how they see it. We’ve all seen those commercials.
“Are you sad, and don’t know why? Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy? You may be suffering from depression, a clinical disorder effecting millions of Americans each year. Talk to your doctor, and ask for (insert any one of the 100+ drugs on the market)”
The thing is, chemical imbalance isn’t a provable fact, and most people diagnosed as clinically depressed are just going through a rough patch in their lives, or have some heavy baggage to deal with. Which brings us to the 3rd reason.
Am I depressed or is life depressing? An untold amount of people are raped, molested, beaten, neglected, or mistreated in some other way at some point in their childhood/life. Do they have a chemical imbalance in their brain, or are they just sad. Life Sucks. Is the answer to dope yourself up? It may seem the easiest way to deal, but it’s also the most COSTLY…which brings us to the fourth, final and most important reason why you should say no to drugs! (maybe, yes to good old fashion therapy)
What do these drugs do to your BRAINS? Most SSRI’s or anti depressants simply tell your brain to uptake more happy-time feel good chemicals that your body already makes plenty of. A lot of things in life can cause the same effect as these drugs (illegal drugs, food, sex, exercise, smoking, religion, singing, meditating, writing blogs, playing with your dog, playing video games, baking, drawing, sewing and any number of other enjoyable hobbies or bad habits/ addictions) Granted, some of these activities are healthier than others, but they all cause your body to produce and thus absorb more happy-time chemicals such as Dopamine or whatever.
So why are anti depressants so bad? You mean besides the outrageous side effects?!?! Diarrhea, Nausea, Sleeplessness, Sleepiness, Massive Weight Gain, Morbid Thoughts, Paranoia, Bouts of Crying, Increased Sex Drive, Decreased Sex Drive, Erectile Dysfunction, Thoughts of Suicide…Besides all that…The body has a great way of balancing itself out. If you force your brain into a false happy state, it will adapt to that. Once your brain adapts to what you’re doing to it, you’ll need stronger meds. (Just like people who eat for their happy state need more and more food to make them feel happy, or people who drink need more and more alcohol to get the same effect)
So, let’s say you start taking meds to make you happy (or normal, as doc might put it). Soon you’ll need stronger meds, different meds, stronger, different, stronger, different…until the only thing that can make you happy is shock therapy…and insurance won’t cover that…
Let’s say that you forget to take your meds…suddenly you’re thrown into a world of despair and endless misery… (This is because your brain NEEDS the meds now. You can’t function without that false high to make you “normal.” Like when people take laxatives too often, their body stops doing the work). In this state you might do things, horrible things…you might become violent toward yourself or others, you might do something illegal! All of this will work in the drug industries favor…see, see, you do have depression, look how crazy you are without your meds.
It’s an endless, greedy, cycle that should be avoided if at all possible.
Ok, so I still ranted...bla!