Saturday, January 30, 2016

Writing With Dyslexia

My mom told me when I was very young that I was a suborn student. I refused to grasp the concept of THE...How on Earth does T + H make the TH sound? And since when does E sound like U? How does this word make a lick of sense? I mean, I got bat, cat, hat, sat, fat, rat, log, frog, dog...these words just make sense. I remember actively arguing with my teacher about the spelling of the word, been...as in; I've been there before. If it's pronounced bin, they should spell it that way, not been...Beans should be spelled beens. LOL ....Be-Ans doesn't make sense to me... For years and years I couldn't wrap my mind around these words and others like them. I got very poor marks in school...having ADHD and manic depression didn't help either. 

So...I couldn't read and write well, which just added to my already haywire emotions, but that's okay because, LOOK something shiny!    hehehe, I mask my pain with humor. 

I realized my ambitions to become a writer in my senior year of high school. I had this teacher who for some blessed reason, looked beyond my abysmal spelling and sentence structure. He looked at my voice and deemed it applaud worthy. All my life I had been failing or mostly failing in school, but he gave me high marks and encouraged me. He was the first teacher to do so. 

I wrote for 10 years before I finally published something I thought was worthy enough for others to read. Right now it has 41 great reviews on Amazon.com; Fatal Retribution. 



Writing with dyslexia isn't easy. Sometimes it means that what sounds bad-ass to you, sounds silly to me. In my head, Raina didn't subtlety suggest they make love. She suB-tleTy suGGested that thE-y make lOve. Hehehe, my brain works funny. I can't just associate words with nonsensical spelling, I have to sound it out in my head the way it is spelled, or it looks like this: She sutly sujjested that thay make luv. Thank the lOrd for spell check. 

And can we just take a moment to appreciate the spelling of Dyslexia? I mean, WTF? Seriously. That craziness is like if you called Arachnophobia, SPIDER! SPIDER! LOOK BEHIND YOU! THERE'S A SPIDER!




Sunday, January 24, 2016

TOXIC MAY NEED A NEW TITLE

I like formulas. I like them in math and I like them in writing...not exactly as a plot device, but structurally, I like them. For instance, in the Raina Kirkland series every book is 40 chapters. Some have prologues and some have epilogues, but they all have a solid 40 chapters. All Raina Kirkland novels take place in exactly 7 days. And, all Raina Kirkland novels have two word titles, word one means death or mortality, and word two describes Raina in some way; what she's doing or what's happening to her.
Fatal  Retribution (Raina is getting revenge...and so is Adia in a way)
Mortal Sentry (Raina is guarding Katie, Nick and many others)
Grave Omen (Raina is overwhelmed by drama and tragedy, so much so that she's missing the obvious and ominous)
Deadly Encounters (Raina is literally encountering tons of death! Living dead, millions of people die, her loved ones die and she is also technically dead)

Then we have the last book in the 5 book series, Toxic...one word? I've been having such a hard time writing this book. Party because it's the last of the Raina Kirkland novels and finishing it is saying goodbye. Having been sickly pregnant most of last year put a damper on things as well...and now, I have a new born and toddler to look after, a house to refinance and then hopefully sell in order to get my daughter into a better school before she turns 5 years old...but maybe it's the title of the book too.

When I get writer's block it's always because I'm doing something wrong. I just have to figure it out. Maybe the title is distracting me...IDK. Sometimes I feel like writers are as superstitious as baseball players. We wear certain clothes, listen to certain music, drink certain drinks, because we're sure as heck that these things help our creativity. For me it's having a certain formula to things. I aim for 40 chapters, I make sure the book has 7 days in it, and the title...up until now, always had two words... It was Toxic Bliss at first, but I've never been a great fan of the word Bliss...sounds too much like Piss or Miss...And now Toxic is starting to sound off. The final book is about war, war between mankind and war between gods, and war between mankind and gods...it's about compassion and hate, death and rebirth, and Raina is in the middle of all that. She's trying to find herself, because knowing herself, is knowing how to defeat her enemy.
Eternal War...
Hostile Host...
Corporal Combat...
Impious Purpose...
...The struggle continues...


Sunday, January 17, 2016

Um....I felt Ranty...

I feel overwhelmed, but what else is new? The hubby and I are refinancing our home because I'm working part time now...uhg, I hate working part time. I have this culturally ingrained feeling that i must work an honest day's labor or I have no worth as a human... But I LOVE being there for our kids. I never got that with our daughter, Morrighan. I was back to work immediately after she was born and that destroyed me physically and emotionally...but that's what America is about, right? Life is work, work is life. You live to work and you work until you die. Nothing comes before work, work is all you need.  Maybe that mentality is great if you love what you do, but if you're working just to support your family and not your passion, then living to work is hell...it's a hamster on a wheel.

I'm not a political pundit. I don't LOVE politics. I find the whole song and dance of fat cats to be nauseating. But, much like my leading lady in The Raina Kirkland Novels, I am blessed (and damned) with an overly sensitive ability to empathize. I can't help but see everything from multiple points of view. I'm sure it's annoying to the people close to me. No one is alloyed to make broad generalizations or snap judgments without me being all like, "The driver might not be an inconsiderate prick. Maybe he's in a hurry and didn't see you because his wife's in labor, or his kids just got hurt, or some other emergency....then again, he may just be a selfish driver who thinks he owns the road. All things are possible in the magical world of situational thinking..."

For a lot of people, they don't accept ideas unless it directly effects them. For instants, some people hate or dislike gay, lesbian and bisexual people because of religion...until they love someone who is gay, lesbian or bisexual. Then they have a choice. They either grow as a person, and accept that sexual preference between two Adult Humans has no bearing on morality whatsoever. Or they continue to cherry pick the bible and believe that marriage equality between two adult humans is a slippery slope to people marring animals and kids, which is obviously wrong and disgusting.

Many people feel that our health care system is great the way it is, until they or someone they love becomes ill and then they find out that only the rich get the best care in the world. The rest of us get nothing but endless tests and drugs that treat the symptoms and not the sickness, and still receive bills for unthinkable sums of money! Only then do you realize the system is rigged to keep you sick and in debt, not better, not healthy. When doctor's see cancer, they see dollar signs. That is what our country has become. It's all about the money...

When it comes to banks, hospitals, prisons and colleges, you are not a person anymore, you are a dollar amount. You are potential wealth for someone else, nothing more. America.inc is a factory that makes money off the poor through manipulation and trickery.

Here is "life" in America:

When you are born, it costs your mother $50,000 or more just to give birth to you, $20,000 if she has insurance, $0 only if she is living in extreme poverty. Then tax payers foot the bill...I say mother, rather than parents, because more than 50% of children are born to single mothers (Remember that)

As you grow up you are raised by strangers, 10 hours a day, 5 days a week from birth because most mothers only take two weeks off to recover from giving birth before they are FORCED to go back to work. Not because they don't have maternity leave protection. They do...it's just not paid leave...2 weeks after giving birth is not enough time to heal physically. It takes 6 weeks for your body to heal, and many more for your mind to heal after such a trauma...So there you are, a fragile new born baby in the arms of strangers 50 hours a week, 200 hours a month, 2,400 hours a year, being bottle fed and mostly ignored because most daycares have several children at once... leaving most children with a fear of abandonment and of being unloved that will effect them for the rest of their lives. {Of course, when you turn 13 years old...you know, when you start thinking about drugs, sex and driving...you are left home alone for that time...smart}

Then at 5 years old, you get to go to school. Kids from wealthy families get to go earlier, but preschools are rarely state ran, and therefor can cost a small fortune to send your kids to unless you find a church that runs a school. Since 23% of Americans are not religious, that isn't an option for them... School is early morning to mid afternoons, 5 days a week for several months in a row and then you get 3 long months to forget everything you learned...if you learned anything at all, because school has basically become a series of tests, test, test. nothing but tests...

And it's worth knowing that most school lines are designed so that rich kids get their own school with better funding, better programs, smaller classes...while poor kids get crowded classes, worse food, worse equipment and really no chance at all...

When you finally graduate high school, if you graduate at all! You can either take out a loan and go $50,000 to $100,000 in debt to become the professional you dreamed of being...but only if your parents have awesome credit and are willing to cosign that huge amount of debt to their name also... Otherwise, you can join the military and hope you don't die or worse in some horrible desert so they will pay for your college and you get to be who you want to be... Or you can forget about the whole, following your dreams thing, and get a Mc-Job at a fast food place or customer service, where people treat you like human-garbage and pay you poverty wages that leave you in massive debt and taking fist fulls of anti depressants...But no matter which you choose you're going to wake up every morning owing more and more money...

Then life happens. Your car breaks down, you get a traffic ticket, you get sick and suddenly your life is spinning out of control around you. You're paying thousands in car repair bills that you can't afford so you get a credit card you can never pay back. You miss work because you're sick and that just makes things worse because now your paycheck is smaller because your job doesn't offer sick-pay and now you have hospital bills on top of it all, and the traffic ticket that was suppose to be only $50 has ballooned to $300 after all the fees and taxes they tacked onto it, and so you're left owing way more than you make, plus all your regular bills...everything goes on credit cards, but if you miss your deadline to pay the traffic ticket more and more fees are added on until one day you're arrested and put in JAIL!

Once you're in the system you can kiss your life goodbye! 1 in every 100 Americans are in prison right now, and the HUGE majority is for non-violent offensives...meaning, prison is not full of rapists and murders, thieves and assaults. It's full of poor people who couldn't pay their court fines, or poor people who were forced to resort to selling pot to pay their bills.

When you get out, good luck getting a job. Good luck paying your court and probation fees...mostly likely they'll throw you back in jail sooner or later. And they like it like that, because prisons are paid for with our taxes but privately owned...meaning the people in charge of prisons are for profit, the more prisoners the more WE pay them. They have absolutely no incentive to actually rehabilitate anyone. Once you're in the system for anything, they have you in their snare and they wont let go...

America.Inc would have you believe that an honest days work means you pay through the nose for EVERYTHING. Food $$$$, gas $$$, vehicles $$$, vehicle insurance $$, vehicles tabs $$, hospital bills $$$$$, health insurance $$$, electricity $$$,  water $$$, garbage $$, school $$$$$$, taxes $$$$. And that is just the essentials. No cable $$$, internet $$$, phone $$$... People who encourage social programs like food stamps and free daycare are EVIL and LAZY and NOT REAL AMERICANS... Real Americans are happy  to see their families only 2 days a week, get maybe 1 to 2 weeks of vacation a year. You live to work, work, work. Paying thousands and thousands of dollars a month to just live your life!!! Chances are you will die in debt....Don't worry, your kids will take that inheritance.

But it doesn't have to be this way at all...Think about it. We all pay taxes. Poor, rich, middle class...we all pay...And what do we get for our taxes that we all pay?

  • Prisons that are privately run and basically punish and entrap the poor and disadvantaged.
  • Tax breaks for extremely wealthy people and corporations that don't NEED or DESERVE them.
  • The BIGGEST ARMY IN THE WORLD with bases all over the world, huge depots of rusting tanks and more aircraft carriers than we need several times over
  • Corporate subsidies in the billions for meat and dairy that makes us sick and treats animals shamelessly, and sugar and grain which gives us diabetes...
  • Paying politicians in DC HUGE paychecks for working part time jobs, while they take bribes from corporations on the side, corporations that force the politicians to screw us over by poisoning our water, destroying our land and paying us poverty wages while at the same time hiking the price of everything! Many of our leading politicians get LIFE-TIME SALARIES IN THE HUNDREDS THOUSANDS! Plus we pay for all their medical needs, as if they can't fucking afford them!
We need to prioritize our spending around building our future and quality of life. The government works for us, that's why we fucking pay them.
  • Stop imprisoning non-violent offenders. Prison is to keep the public safe! It should only be meant for murders, rapist, thieves, aggravated assault...
  • Cut our military spending. I know people don't like to hear that, but there is sooooo much waste. We can cut our spending without freaking out and cutting corners on safety... 
  • Stop all government subsidies on farms that do not meat ethical and health standards (our standards should be MUCH higher) and stop all subsidies on oil production! 
  • Politicians need to take a huge pay cut. What right do these politicians have to demand such high pay for doing a part time job when so many of their hard working tax payers are living in poverty? 
I'm sure there are other places we can cut that I'm not thinking of. But seriously...we need better priorities than this. We need to redirect that money toward:
  • Better schools all around, not just for the rich neighborhoods 
  • Universal healthcare
  • Paid maternity leave up to 3 months 
  • Free college up to a Bachelor's degree 
And in the mean time, anyone who works full time hours, 40 hours a week, should be able to support their family, two adults and 3 kids. You flip burgers, you support your family! You work construction, you support your family! You are a doctor, you support your family! Minimum wage should raise to today's inflation prices and keep with it. If the price of milk goes up, so should minimum wage! Duh... Families should be able to live on one job, one job...not two or three, but one, because most people are raised by single moms, one NEEDS to be enough! For the safety of the kids if nothing else... 







Friday, November 27, 2015

MY CRAZY HOLIDAY

You know you're totally PC when you feel guilty celebrating Thanksgiving. US history seems like one great big bloody stain between what we did to the Native Americans, Slavery, turning away Jewish Refugees, Japanese Internment Camps, waging wars over oil and religion... I try to tell myself it's a holiday about thankfulness, but there's an empty feeling in my gut that only Tofurky can fill. LOL

But I digress. My crazy holiday began at 1:00am November 26th, Thanksgiving morning. I'm at work, hoping to soon clock out so I can get back to making my yummy Carmela Apple Pies!


The new girl at work and I had just finished setting up the dining area for breakfast, when we noticed a man sleeping on the couch in the hotel lobby. I asked him if he was a guest and he said yes. He seemed intoxicated but friendly at that moment.

His name (Christopher Gledhill) wasn't in our system, nor had it ever been in our system. He was certain that he was a guest at our hotel and handed me his credit card. There was no record of his credit card in our system. He said he checked in earlier that morning, 8:00am 11.25.2015...But I found no record of anyone checking in then, 

At this moment 3 police officers approached my desk because apparently another actual guest (Kerry Friendly) had called the police to dispute a transaction on his credit card, the transaction being him having to pay for his room, which he didn't feel he had to even though it was a prepaid for reservation... The police said that Kerry wasn't well in the head and moved to leave, when Chris told them they'd be back because he was going to press charges on us if we couldn't find his reservation...Chris was right, but he wasn't the one to call them.

Up until that point I was prepared to check him in anyway. My main concern had been that he was at the wrong hotel in town and I wanted him to be sure he was at the right place, but pressing charges against us? Suing us? What the heck? I told him there was nothing I could do for him. We have no record of him in our system whatsoever, and his attitude had destroyed any compassion I had for him.

He pulled out a knife! I didn't see it at the time, but my coworker did. Yeah, still no. I was not checking this guy in, no way, no how.

He then said he was actually a secret shopper and I was in huge trouble...A secret shopper at now 2:00am on Thanksgiving morning? HA! It was incredibly hard not to laugh at him. I just smiled and said, "Nope." Maybe I did laugh a little...I asked him to leave, just leave. He wanted my name and my manager's card. Yeah, buddy, take what you want. 

When he finally did leave, I locked the doors behind him but he was soon back. He begged to be let in for a while and then decided he'd take himself a nap beside our doors, so we called the police. The local police are amazing, so nice and very fast to respond. They were there in minutes and called the guy a cab home. But first we had him sign a notice of trespassing. 

Then I went home to bake! I got two hours of sleep, and then I was up and getting ready for Thanksgiving! Cooking, Cooking, Eating, Eating, napping and then back to work again. 


A few hours before I would leave for home, Mr. Friendly (the guy that didn't want to pay for the room he already paid for...) came to the front desk to argue about how expensive our ice cream is. He came back later to say he bought some cheaper ice cream at the grocery store, but then ended up buying half the store, but that's okay, because he's a billionaire

"Why argue over $5 ice cream if you're a billionaire?"
He's a trillionaire, actually. He was born into riches. 
"That must be nice. I was born into the opposite of that." LOL
He's royalty, actually. 
"Oh, wow. That will do it."
He says he's the King of Washington State! 
There are no kings in America. (other that movie stars and CEOs)
He says, he's THE MESSIAH. He's the king of kings (in all seriousness)
I said, "Well that changes things" LOL

He goes on to weave this fantastically, if not a heaping butt load narcissistic and absolutely delusional tale. You see, he is Jesus and God. He found out 19 days ago when God physically came to him and told him he's royalty and has all the money in the world, and complete rule over all the universe. 
As a decedent of Sampson (the murderous biblical douche bag with super human strength...until you cut his hair. Then he was weak...until it grew back, then he was a murdering super human again), Friendly's father was not born of a woman (no details given) but his mother was just 4 years older than himself (white with blue eyes and blond hair), and a direct decedent of Lucifer himself, who also had blue eyes and blond hair, because obviously all white people came from Lucifer and all Black people came from Jesus. That's why all white people are evil and all black people are good. Duh. :-P

Oh, did I forget to mention that I was meant to be his queen? Yup, the whole point of his nonstop nonsense was to convince me that God wanted us to be together, forget that I'm married. God loves me and wants to bless me in the privacy of Mr. Friendly's room. Insert here disgusting horny facial expressions and sounds, and a plethora of not cool sexual comments. He wanted to bless me all night...so gross... He went on and on about how much money I will have and what God wanted to do to my body, 3 times a day, every day. I tried to keep it professional, to be politely pleasant, but I couldn't stop being incredibly sarcastic.But, my semi-regular outbursts of funny went unnoticed.

This harassing went on and on for far too long before our security finally escorted him to his room, which was fantastic because just as the security office came in he was trying to reach over the counter to kiss me....NO!

 As soon as he was gone from the front desk I left! It was all I could do to not speed the whole way home. I needed mass quantities of distance between us to feel better. I got home just before midnight, but I couldn't sleep. I stayed up until 3:00am binging on Netflix, Jessica Jones until I finally felt I could fall asleep, you know, just in time for the baby to wake up. LOL ^_^ 

Yeah, I had a swell Thanksgiving...


I'm not sure if any of this even makes a lick of sense...I still haven't had enough sleep to function at 100%.  2 hours here, 1 hour there...so tired :-P

Friday, November 13, 2015

WOW 4 MONTHS!

That's crazy, right? I haven't written a blog in 4 months...too busy being a mom to a toddler and a new born.

On September 20th, I gave birth to a lovely little boy, named Bram Alexander Graves.

Bram and Morrighan


He was huge, which doesn't make sense... Throughout the pregnancy I was on a strict diet. I always treat my body better when someone else is inside it. I lost 40 lb while pregnant! You would think that would earn me a small baby, and you'd be wrong. He was nearly 10 pounds at birth and two months later he's pushing 15 pounds... all he drinks is breast milk.

In other news, I'm still struggling with Toxic. I'm stuck at chapter 28, and for no good reason at all. I know what's going to happen, I know how it's going to happen...I just can't bring myself to write it. Maybe I'm afraid to say goodbye to Raina, this being the last book and all. I'm rereading all the books with a fine tooth comb, making sure I don't miss a loose thread, no forgotten plot lines, which is easy to do after 4 books.

I've once again redesigned my book's covers. I wanted something more dramatic, something that spoke to the mysterious elements of the book but still felt very Washington, very Pacific North West:


  

  

I'm hoping to get back on track with Toxic soon. Maybe one more read-through is what I need to say goodbye. I'm hoping I'm not suffering from Postpartum Depression again....It was hell with Mo. 

Right now all 4 books are on sale for just .99 cents for November. What the heck, I'm turning 32 years old come November 17th.  


Monday, July 20, 2015

WWP: Writing While Pregnant

I've never tried to write while pregnant before this year. My daughter was born just months before I published the first Raina Kirkland novel, Fatal Retribution... But the novel itself had been written for years before that point. December 2011 was just when I gave up on traditional publishing and took my life into my own hands, but I didn't write a word of Fatal Retribution while I was pregnant...I was too busy working two jobs for most of the pregnancy.

I started writing the 5th and final Raina Kirkland novel, Toxic, in November 2014 and by January 2015 I was nearly a quarter of the way done with the first rough draft. Then I found out I was pregnant. Then 3 solid months of sever morning sickness. I lost almost 30lb through starvation and vomiting. I was good for a couple months after that. I got to the halfway point, chapter 20....Then the cramps and cervix pains began around the 5th month and have steadily gotten worse and worse. I'm at week 31, just 8 more weeks of pregnancy and I'm still on chapter 22 in Toxic...I am fully sure I will not make my publishing deadline of Winter 2015. Sadness

Not only am I in pain and near constant discomfort, but I'm terribly scatterbrained as well. I've spent 4 books setting up all the pieces. This books should be the easiest to write. I'm simply knocking over the pieces and watching them fall. Fun! But, no. I can't focus well enough to actually write well or much. I'm very very certain that once my brain chemistry calms I'm going to have to do a lot of rewriting. The new deadline for Toxic is now Summer 2016...Sorry guys. 


Monday, July 6, 2015

A Thought on The American Prison Industrial Complex

This idea hit me hard after seeing so much suffering first hand. I've seen lives destroyed by our prison system. We must acknowledge how very broken it is. When 1 in every 100 American's is in jail or prison, it's no longer a public service. It's a privately own money making machine in which men and women get in too easily and are terrorized, raped, beaten, belittled and dehumanized for years on end!

Prison should ONLY be for violent crimes. Murder, Rape, Torture, Assault, Armed Robbery....shit like that. All other crimes should be dealt with according to their wrong doing.

A thief should pay for what they took out of their paycheck and do community service on their weekends, like working in a community garden, giving back to the community to make up for stealing from it.

An Alcoholic or drug addict should be forced to seek medical help for their addiction and do community service, like work in a soup kitchen to teach them to not be so selfish.

And no one, not a single person, should be put in jail just because they can't afford bail or some stupid traffic ticket. That shit is outrageously fucked up! Jailed because you're poor? Really?

When we put nonviolent people in jail or prison, we aren't just punishing them. We're punishing their families, anyone who depends on them, and we're pretty much destroying their lives. These nonviolent people are getting beaten and raped brutally every day and night, and for what? Pot possession? Illegal gambling? Stealing? Speeding 10 miles over the limit while being poor? And when they do get out their lives are an uphill battle. They still have to pay restitution and court fines...But how are they supposed to get a job? Not to mention deal with the PTSD they got while in the rape-mill we call the Prison Industrial Complex.

We need a system overhaul. We need to deprivatize prison