Sunday, March 19, 2017


At the beginning of this month everything in my life felt like it was falling apart; my home, my family, my career. I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss. 

You know, I love that kids movie, Inside has an important lesson for kids. It's okay to be sad.

In a moment of weakness I posted a blog and a facebook post that expressed my inner turmoil. To my surprise I was almost immediately surrounded by supportive loving people. I never expected it...Like Riley from Inside Out, I let myself be sad and people that loved me came together to cheer me up. That was awesome.

I want to thank every one of you for that. I love you. 

Because of the great support I received, I've been extremely productive. The Librarian (the second book in The Serial Series) is coming along nicely. The coloring book, Dark Whimsy, is nearly done! I've finished formatting all my books so I can start ordering them for an even in July: 

I'll be selling all my books, including the coloring book. I can sign any books that are bought, but mostly I just want to hang out with you guys.  

The hubs and I are still house hunting, but my mom and dad (Michael Trainer) have come to the rescue! Since they are moving to Indiana, they are going to let us stay in their house so long as we take over the mortgage payments. I would much rather they sell it so that they can get all that massive profit (almost 200k in profit if they see at market value!!!!) But, they love us more than they love money. We are still looking for a home to buy (we could never afford my mom's house) but their offer is a welcomed safety-net.

So, you see. It's all coming together. Home- no worries. Career- no worries. Family...well, I'm still losing my mom and dad to Indiana but I'm going to visit them as much as possible. A week in the summer and a week in the winter is my hope...But it doesn't quite seem enough since I haven't gone more than a few days without seeing my mom in over a decade. 

Friday, March 10, 2017


So....I was a tad depressed in my last post and it took me damn near 2 weeks to get over it. In all honesty my depressed state of mind had more to do with my own personal life than my writing career.

The Good:

  • My house sold for asking price. Awesome! Let the house hunting begin!
  • And to an Awesome man, a veteran. Fantastic! I miss my home so much, but I know it's in good hands.
  • My Mom's boyfriend got a job. Wooo Hooo I was fully afraid of moving out of my mom's if he still hadn't found work. I wanted to stay and help...

The Bad:

  • The Job Mom's boyfriend found is in Indiana, not Washington, so they are leaving. I will miss my mommy so badly! And I feel terrible, because I know she wants me to come with her. She will miss the only grand-kids she's ever known. Heartbreaking all around.
  • Because they are leaving James and I need to find a place of our own immediately! But, the market in Everett, Washington and ALL the surrounding towns is so fucking HOT right now. We can't afford a house here...So in a few months we might actually be homeless! [James is putting in for a transfer to Wanatchee, Washington and we can afford the houses there]
  • On top of that my daughter has been acting out, everyone in the house is fighting and my plans to become a caretaker are being completely destroyed by all of this...

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions so I'm stuck in limbo.

So What am I going to do about it? 

I have to center myself.
Who am I? A mother, A friend. An artist. At my core, this is who I am, so I'll be that. I'm focusing on my kids and my friends and my craft. The rest of my life might be a mess. Complete upheaval really, but I will be a steady rock, or something like that.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I suck.

Disappointed but not surprised...
The Urban Unglued event in Tacoma, WA invited me to attend as a vendor and I was so excited. I was preparing my books for a big order and designing banners and business cards and getting my stupid website back up and running (which cost me $140) and putting a flame under my butt for the coloring book I'm creating...but then they gave away the spot that they'd offered because I suck.
I was waiting for them to send me an application through a message or something. Then I reread our correspondence and realized they wanted me to find the application on their Facebook page, which I found but wouldn't have been able to send it out until tonight, which is too late because I suck!!!

I'm feeling extremely discouraged altogether. I haven't sold a book in months and now I feel dumb and rejected...
What am I even doing? No one wants to read my books and 99% of those who do don't care enough to leave reviews to help me. 

This is an existential moments for me. Should I just give up?

Friday, February 3, 2017


I feel like once a year or so I have to remake the covers of my Raina Kirkland Series because the old ones don't speak to me anymore...That's one of the reasons I'm afraid to hire an actual cover artist. What if I love a cover that cost me hundreds of dollars, but then a few months go by and my mood changes and I no longer love it. Also, I don't have that kind of money. 😉

So, here I am again, once again with five new covers...sort of new. Re-imagined, lets say. I'm going to keep these new covers up for a few weeks and see how people respond. 



Saturday, January 28, 2017

It's About The Journey.

Like pretty much everyone else on this planet, I day dream. Most of my day dreams involve me reaching some kind of success or getting a bunch of money via a lucky ticket or I just waking up one morning and suddenly I'm a best seller...because me winning the lottery and me becoming a best selling author have about the same likelihood of happening. But, as nice as it is to day dream, there has to be something said about the hard road. 

It's the journey, not the destination, right? I look down at my body and I see scars everywhere. I stretch and I feel old injuries that never healed right. All of this reminds me that I didn't just pop into existence. Everything I am and everything I'm ever going to be has and will happen in it's own time with hard work. 

My 6 published books didn't just pop into existence. Nor are they the only books I've written. I've been writing since 2003, when I was just 19 years old. I didn't publish my first book, Fatal Retribution, until I was 27 years old. From 19 to 27 I wrote some pretty weird stuff. I found an old binder of mine the other day. I wrote a novel called Herwall of Midgard. It was a play on LOTR, in the Door is Gone but the Wall is Here. *giggle*

Inspired by Tolkien, I created an entire world; mapped out, populated, cultured...I even created my own language with it's own alphabet and syntax and was nuts! I filled a binder with notes and maps and diagrams... The book is lost. Probably saved on a dang floppy disc or some such shit. But, it probably wasn't intelligible anyway. The first draft of Fatal Retribution certainly wasn't reader-friendly. 

The second book I wrote was something so random, but there was a lot of strong imagery. ^_^ I remember feeling very empowered while writing it. It was called, Collide. It was about souls living in life, out of life, and in past lives all converging on a single moment in time to defeat a great evil as technology is being used to rip apart the veil between worlds...and then at some point the narrator went from a disembodied 3rd person to an actual character half way through the book and the story got away from me from there...pure craziness. 

It was a long road to finding my voice as a writer and teaching myself how to write...It likely doesn't surprise any of you that I've never taken a writing class...Quirky sentence structure, fragment and run on sentences, too many commas, and ending the sentence with a proposition...Me and rules just don't get along, man. But that's not why I didn't study writing in College. It's because I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. Luckily, psychology helps writing. What doesn't help is horrible, horrible dyslexia. LOL

Right now I'm trying my hand at other genres. The Raina Kirkland Series was Urban Fantasy with a touch of Mystery, Romance and Horror. Taking the reader into a world much like our own, but full of myths and monsters made real. As you read the first 2 books you begin to think you understand the world as something close to Laurell K Hamilton or Kim Harrison's works. But by book 3 and 4 it starts to feel very different...Book 4, Deadly Encounters, is my favorite! By the last book you see the whole picture. Toxic Warrior doesn't have any reviews, so I don't know if anyone likes it or what they think of Raina's whole journey just yet. 

My plans are to write a Serial Killer Book, a Zombie Book and a Erotic Book. 

I've already published the first in the serial series, The Artist. And I've started work on the second book, The Librarian. 
The Zombie Book is nearing completion, but I am fully looking forward to the Erotic book. it's going to be so damn smutty. Believe you me, I love writing sex almost as much as I love writing gore and action. 

I don't know where my journey will take me. I'm taking every day one step at a time. Making plans and plowing ahead. I so badly want to just wake up tomorrow and have hundreds of reviews for my books and feel a great measure of success, but in all seriousness, this is my journey, this is my road. Every inch gained is hard won. Nothing in my life has been easy; from growing up in poverty surrounded by drugs, hunger and violence, to putting myself through college and buying my first house at the age of 25. Why would writing be any different, and why would I want it to be? It's about the Journey. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Social Whore

I'm hiding from my neighbor. She a nice woman, beautiful, friendly, but I'm sitting in my car and ducking so she doesn't see me. Why? I don't know. I'm social enough at work and on the internet. Why should I talk to people outside of those places? Small talk makes me cringe! 

And it's not a stranger or acquaintance vs friends and family thing either. I never call my family unless I must. When they call me my stomach hurts. That must be where all my social butterflies nestle. Feels like it. I have literally not spoken to one of my best friends since before Christmas. It usually takes me some time to build up to calling or texting her. Such is my anxiety.  And it's always the same excuse. I think about you every day, but I never want to intrude into your life at the wrong time...

It seems bad that the only times I'm outgoing is at work or on the internet; Facebook, Twitter, Blogger and Instagram. Because I'm a writer and exposure is key. All my time on the internet is potential money and work is money...

If the only time I'm social is when I'm getting paid to be, does that make me a social whore? 

Sunday, January 15, 2017

2017 BLOWS SO FAR....

I haven't blogged since New Years Eve. I don't know what to write, so I'll just give you an update on my life. Things have been keeping me busy.

I had a sever case of bronchitis for a while. I just thought I had a really bad cold, but turns out my baby and I both had it...

I was coughing so bad from the bronchitis that I actually strained my back muscles. I was coughing and something went POP in my back. I collapsed on the spot and couldn't get up without the help of my coworkers. I managed to drive myself to the walk-in clinic even though I could barely move without excruciating pain. 

The doctor gave me a shot and some pills and I laid in bed for a week. It still hurts like hell sometimes...

Selling of my house has turned out to be harder than I thought. We put our lovely bungalow on the market on my birthday, November 17th. We got offers that day and accepted an offer for full price, with us paying the closing costs. Everything was going swimmingly...Well, there were a couple set backs that costed us nearly $3,000...But other than that everything was on schedule up until we found out that the buyers were in fact not permitted to buy the house in the first place...

We put it back on the market on the same day my back went out on me and we had several offers right away. We took the best one, 10k more than the asking price and they pay the closing costs. Happiness! ...Until the buyer raised some concerns about the septic tank ...Yesterday the buyer had someone inspect the septic tank and I guess we'll find out whats what soon. Either way, we're tapped out financially speaking, so now everything is up in the air again. Fun times...  We'll see how that turns out soon...

Also, I published The Artist just before 2017, but so far I've sold 1 copy. Not the turn out I was hoping for...

You could say 2017 is really trying to beat 2016 for the crappiest year of my life. 

I'm sick
My back hurts
My bank hurts
My house isn't yet sold
Still living with my mom (totally love her, but I feel like a loser)
tRump is 5 days away from being the most powerful man on Earth.
My hours are cut at work
I'm taking on a new job, which is scary
And no one gives a shit about my books.

I still hold out hope that everything will turn around soon.

I'll start to feel better
My back will feel better
My debt will be paid off when we...
Sell our house, and I'll feel better when...
Hubby and I buy a new home.
tRump is either impeached or turns out to not be so bad
Working less pays of because...
My new job makes up the money I loose from working part time 
People who've read my books decide to write reviews and other people decide to buy them based on those reviews

That would be truly Awesome!