I'm a complicated creature, like you I suspect. We all have our stories. Sometimes our stories are full of mini drama's that are insignificant in the big picture. Sometimes events of greater magnitude take hold of our lives for a time and you might wonder what god is laughing at you. You want to scream at the sky, "Are you not entertained!?!" That's been very much my life for the past year. You might take note that I have not written blog nor book since 2019. I barely post on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any other sort of online media...The reasoning is twofold... On one hand my career has changed greatly and on the other hand my mind is a flurry of thoughts that overwhelm me....
When I wrote all my books and blogs, I worked nights at a hotel. I had hours to myself and just little stressors in my life. My only drama was that of naughty customers and a rocky marriage. I could almost taste the vanilla of my life as I wrote that sentence. In what I now refer to as the before times, I rarely cried. I would sometimes imagine my loved ones passing away just to force the tears, because I needed the release of a good cry but had no reason to do so. Now, my world is full of tears being held back at every moment...How can I write when I can barely think? How can a weave a plot, when every story of my imagination is dwarfed by the very real emotions wrecking havoc on my soul? The greater details of my struggles should likely be kept to myself at this moment, but simply said I am a woman without: without love, without certainty, without her children. And worst of all, I did it to myself and would do it again.
Last year, 2019, was a year of change for me and my family. For years I lived with my husband, not in love with him, but in friendship with him. That seemed enough at times, though I admit, I often asked him for divorce just because it feels wrong to be tied to someone you're not in love with. He never granted it and I'd move on... But, last year I met a man who I fell in love with the moment our eyes met. It seemed like magic, like something from a cheap romance novel or badly written melodrama. We instantly began courting each other and my husband and I made the painful transition from monogamy to an open marriage, because just like before, he refused divorce as an option. My husband became my co-parent. He dated men and women and I fell more deeply ensnared by the man I'd met...
Our relationship was pure Heaven at first. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a man; ambitious, strong, handsome, smart and so funny... This man took me on amazing adventures! We made love in the grass while trains roared above us, we climbed mountains and found secret waterfalls in the forest. We drove hundreds of miles just to see something new. We sang to each other. We held each other up. We cried in each other's arms. We counselled each other as equals. For the first time in my life, I felt physically beautiful. I'd never known that feeling. We made love every chance we had and I'd never known sex to be so pleasurable.
But the goodness of this man was equal to the badness. Gradually, very gradually what seemed like mutual obsession and deep passionate love became toxic and full of tantrums, self hate, yelling, pain, and suffering. Many times I tried to leave this man. But he embodied both Heaven and Hell for me, and if I let him speak to me, even for an instant, I was his again...I could not deny him. We were stuck in a cycle of pain, lust, heaven, hell, friendship, hate and empathy... But eventually the badness stole him away from me. Even now he clings to me, calls me 6-20 times a day, hoping with all his heart that I will take him back, but how can I? Who would trust him after all the badness he's done? Should I? My love for him has never wavered. It feels like something close to unconditional, or maybe I'm suffering from some brain deficiency. Hell if I know. What I do know is that no matter his heart and intentions, his mind is criminal, his thoughts are criminal. There is no future there... And so, I'm without love.
And now, as a global epidemic falls on all our doorsteps I find myself an essential worker, a Residential Youth Specialist Lead...which basically means I'm the head counselor at a behavior therapy facility for foster children with behavior problems. Think Extreme Babysitter, or living in a house full of the most difficult teenagers. Between the cost of babysitters for my own children and the fear that I might bring something home to my babies, I was afraid these trying times would at best, leave us in financial ruin and at worst, cost me one or both of my children....So, with a heavy heart I sent my children to my mother's house, many hundreds of miles away. Every moment of every day is agony. My eyes are deep lakes of tears at all times and the waters are only held back by my will to be strong. These past months I've lost lovers and friends and now my children. My co-parent and I are working hard to get to the position we need to be in in order to bring our babies home...There is nothing more we can do.
When I wrote all my books and blogs, I worked nights at a hotel. I had hours to myself and just little stressors in my life. My only drama was that of naughty customers and a rocky marriage. I could almost taste the vanilla of my life as I wrote that sentence. In what I now refer to as the before times, I rarely cried. I would sometimes imagine my loved ones passing away just to force the tears, because I needed the release of a good cry but had no reason to do so. Now, my world is full of tears being held back at every moment...How can I write when I can barely think? How can a weave a plot, when every story of my imagination is dwarfed by the very real emotions wrecking havoc on my soul? The greater details of my struggles should likely be kept to myself at this moment, but simply said I am a woman without: without love, without certainty, without her children. And worst of all, I did it to myself and would do it again.
Last year, 2019, was a year of change for me and my family. For years I lived with my husband, not in love with him, but in friendship with him. That seemed enough at times, though I admit, I often asked him for divorce just because it feels wrong to be tied to someone you're not in love with. He never granted it and I'd move on... But, last year I met a man who I fell in love with the moment our eyes met. It seemed like magic, like something from a cheap romance novel or badly written melodrama. We instantly began courting each other and my husband and I made the painful transition from monogamy to an open marriage, because just like before, he refused divorce as an option. My husband became my co-parent. He dated men and women and I fell more deeply ensnared by the man I'd met...
Our relationship was pure Heaven at first. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a man; ambitious, strong, handsome, smart and so funny... This man took me on amazing adventures! We made love in the grass while trains roared above us, we climbed mountains and found secret waterfalls in the forest. We drove hundreds of miles just to see something new. We sang to each other. We held each other up. We cried in each other's arms. We counselled each other as equals. For the first time in my life, I felt physically beautiful. I'd never known that feeling. We made love every chance we had and I'd never known sex to be so pleasurable.
But the goodness of this man was equal to the badness. Gradually, very gradually what seemed like mutual obsession and deep passionate love became toxic and full of tantrums, self hate, yelling, pain, and suffering. Many times I tried to leave this man. But he embodied both Heaven and Hell for me, and if I let him speak to me, even for an instant, I was his again...I could not deny him. We were stuck in a cycle of pain, lust, heaven, hell, friendship, hate and empathy... But eventually the badness stole him away from me. Even now he clings to me, calls me 6-20 times a day, hoping with all his heart that I will take him back, but how can I? Who would trust him after all the badness he's done? Should I? My love for him has never wavered. It feels like something close to unconditional, or maybe I'm suffering from some brain deficiency. Hell if I know. What I do know is that no matter his heart and intentions, his mind is criminal, his thoughts are criminal. There is no future there... And so, I'm without love.
And now, as a global epidemic falls on all our doorsteps I find myself an essential worker, a Residential Youth Specialist Lead...which basically means I'm the head counselor at a behavior therapy facility for foster children with behavior problems. Think Extreme Babysitter, or living in a house full of the most difficult teenagers. Between the cost of babysitters for my own children and the fear that I might bring something home to my babies, I was afraid these trying times would at best, leave us in financial ruin and at worst, cost me one or both of my children....So, with a heavy heart I sent my children to my mother's house, many hundreds of miles away. Every moment of every day is agony. My eyes are deep lakes of tears at all times and the waters are only held back by my will to be strong. These past months I've lost lovers and friends and now my children. My co-parent and I are working hard to get to the position we need to be in in order to bring our babies home...There is nothing more we can do.
