SHAME

Every day of my life I fight against a consuming darkness that festers in my mind; an almost debilitating self hate that strangles me into submission.  When I was a child I had a mantra; “You’re ugly, you’re stupid and nobody likes you.”  I’d say this to myself over and over again so that I wouldn’t make a fool of myself and smile at school, or actually believe someone if they called me pretty. Growing older made me braver.  College and good friends gave me a thin layer of hope that acts as a shield against me, protecting me from me.  But the enemy is inside.  I cannot kill her, merely contain her.  My kryptonite; harsh judgment, any sort of attack on my intelligence or looks from anyone cripples me.  I know I’m not brilliant and I’ll never be anything more than moderately attractive in the right light on a good day with my makeup and hair just so…But I hate myself so damn much, that when others say such things, things I’ve thought of myself all my life it cuts so deep.  Their words leave me without hope, without armor against my enemy. The world is dark and I’m a worthless thing.  My faults are countless and I’m so sorry for every one of them.